Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
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My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
This is so me 😂😂
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge