You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
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My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
The Sun
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
sugar glider wrangler
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99