OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 馃構
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“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I鈥檓 really crushing my water intake today
When you know it鈥檚 a French word but you can鈥檛 quite remember which one
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i鈥檓 illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Dogs are man鈥檚 best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you鈥檒l find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it鈥檚 madness
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that鈥檚 it. I鈥檓 leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
He鈥檚 heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn鈥檛 know when to let something go
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I鈥檓 a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
HER: I鈥檓 leaving you
ME: Is it because I鈥檓 too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.