Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
couldn’t resist
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*