When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
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Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
oh u like geography? name every lake
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no