I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face