Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
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I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!