Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
You Might Also Like
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“I took care of your clown problem.”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit