Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
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Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
🙂🐾
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
😏😏😏
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Employees must applaud the planets.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
All is fair in drunk and war.