Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
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Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Not all heroes wear capes…
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500