Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
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I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Become ungovernable.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.