Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
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[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.