*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
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If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.