Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
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Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.