We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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Me: Same
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”