recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
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I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Reporter: *ports again*
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
My work here is done
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.