Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
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I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.