[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
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Good morning
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her