[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
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WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?