[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
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Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.