ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
You Might Also Like
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.