I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
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Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.