Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
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You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Can Happiness buy money?
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.