for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
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I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.