If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
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If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.