[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
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pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.