I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
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[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.