Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
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Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Always the camel, never the toe.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.