*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
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A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!