We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
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My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
This meeting could have been a cake
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Am getting real tired of your crap…
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.