If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
You Might Also Like
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive