This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
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why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.