I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
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Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Meanwhile in Portland…
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
be careful
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
brian had himself a morning…
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.