I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
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Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”