In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
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AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
dads on road-trips be like
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
mentally somewhere in italy
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.