It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
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[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.