Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
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Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first