People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
This made me smile…
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT