I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
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One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Easy enough.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers