What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
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GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic