this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
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Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit