I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
multitasking lunch
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb