I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Peace was never an option
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
23. the denim jacket
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.