Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
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You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]