GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
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confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time