Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke