1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
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Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Saturday
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”