But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
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*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I feel attacked.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick