Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
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if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!