DOOO EEEET
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A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Home is where your toilet is.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here